horrorscopes & 5 day forecast

January 27, 2011 at 11:19 pm 2 comments

My junior year of high school, I was part of the Journalism team that put out the San Pasqual Sentinel. The paper pretty much sucked and it was rare that we were motivated enough to make it worth reading, but when the April Fools’ edition rolled around, we made sure to have fun with it. Part of my task was putting together a 5 Day Forecast and a Horoscope (or “Horrorscope”) column. Two other students wanted to be a part of the Horrorscopes, though, so I wound up doing three. I thought of this assignment while cleaning yesterday, having found an issue of the Sentinel laying around. It wasn’t from my year though, so I have no idea why I kept it. Today, however, while cleaning off my old desk, I found my drafts of these two pieces and I was beyond jazzed. So here, my friends, are the Horrorscopes for the month of April 2004 and the weather forecast for that first week.

Horrorscopes

Pisces
Congratulations, Pisces! You win the lotto! Early in the second week of this month you will strike it rich. However, since you are not the only Pisces on the planet, your total winnings will amount to $0.12. Keep dreaming.

Taurus
You are an Earth sign and this month you will feel it more than ever. You should get outdoors and go camping or take a trip to the beach. However, be sure to watch you back. Mars is in retrograde and I get the feeling that someone who has a crush on you may have had enough of your turn-downs and could turn psycho.

Virgo
No matter how logical you are, you can’t avoid a little spontaneity. All this month, you will be plagued by the unexpected. An, no, I can’t tell you what’s going to happen because then it would be expected, wouldn’t it? Think, Virgo! Think!

Libra
Back off this month, Libra! People are tired of you judging them. In fact, all your friends hate you now and will attempt to trashcan you at lunch today. Don’t fret! There is a way to stop it from happening. If you run in a figure eight pattern five times and scream, “I AM the walrus! Ahhhhhh!!!” at the top of your lungs, they may think you’ve snapped and take pity on you.

5 Day Forecast

Monday
Partly Cloudy
High: 76 Low: 67
68% chance of rain

Tuesday
Rain
High: 54 Low: 36
79% chance of hail; 40% chance of snow

Wednesday
Sunny
High: 104 Low:94
Humidity at all time high of 98%; 50% chance Michael Jackson will implode

Thursday
Scorching Heat Waves, Acid Rain
High: 157 Low: 128
Humidity still riding high at 97%; 84% chance all small animals and runway models will be vaporized by heat; 92% chance of rapture

Friday
Apocalypse
High: ? Low: ?
Humidity at new high of 99%; Satan is my master

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Entry filed under: funny.

someone told me love is so deep you’ll never touch the bottom do you remember

2 Comments Add your own

  • 1. India  |  January 28, 2011 at 11:05 pm

    dude, where’s aquarius?!?!?!

    Reply
    • 2. Anna  |  January 29, 2011 at 3:26 pm

      Someone else did those. =P I only found my drafts, not the actual paper.

      Reply

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