am i to assume all beggars are equestrians?

November 27, 2010 at 1:51 am 3 comments

India wanted me to update and, to be honest, I want me to update. I just don’t feel like I’ve had anything worth saying. A lot has happened to me in the months since I last posted, and I’ve grown quite a bit, but I also feel like nothing has changed. I’ve been writing songs more than ever. They come to me often now and I feel confident enough to develop an idea when it hits me. I may start posting my lyrics. They’re a huge expression of my head and heart, lately especially, and since the point of these songs is for other people to experience them with me, then I may as well start posting the lyrics with a little backdrop.

This one just came to me. It’s very “where I’m at” in my life right now.

I’m so sick of wishes
Of would be’s and should be’s
I’m worn out on wanting
What I cannot have
And I’m too tired of waiting
For my life to happen
So future, come quickly
I need you like never before

This is the downside to living in the moment, which we all do. Five years from now, the things that my world hinges on today wont matter as much. Hopefully I’ll have it more together by then. I know I certainly have it more together today than I did five years ago. I’m happy with the direction my life is taking, but the older I get, the more easily I get hurt when things don’t pan out the way my heart wants them to, even when my head knew better all along. You’d think that I’d be used to waiting by now. Used to being left out and looked over. Used to being steadfast and patient for my sunny tomorrow. The longer I go, though, the angrier I get that the things that I truly want still elude me. I’m not sure who to be angry at, though. Am I still getting in my own way or am I just too impatient to really trust in what I know is right for me? I don’t expect any of you to have the answers, but, well, there it is.

Entry filed under: deep thoughts, music, prose/poetry.

things to do before i die where do i sign?

3 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Lisa  |  November 27, 2010 at 2:14 am

    It’s all up to you. You can either go on a ride…that you wait around for or you can grab life by the balls and get ready for a bumpy ride.

    I can sit around and wait for things to happen or I can go out and make them happen.

    I could sit around and wait for someone to give me a job or I can get up and start creating my own job.

    I don’t really think your dilemma is a matter of patience as driving force.

    Where do you want to go? How do you want to get there? When? Why? etc.

    I absolutely hate where my life is heading. I am about one bad hit from life from ending it. Every inch of me is bleeding inside and out. My heart hurts so much I swear it might be the thing that kills me early in life.I want to be free of all that is swallowing me up and killing me.

    So I am going to find a way to get out. I have applied to numerous study abroads and internships out of the US. I could be raped, killed, sold, injured but at least I could be free and experience some place new.

    I ain’t getting away but sitting on my ass and whining to people because to be honest, there is nothing really anyone could really say to make me feel any less pained by my life right now.

    This is just me.

    You should be the one calling the shots and getting your life to be where it needs to be. In the end, it’s all up to you.

    In my opinion, whatever it is you want that eludes to achieve those things and to not give up when it gets tough.
    Be a little less safe and bluff a little.

  • 2. India  |  December 5, 2010 at 5:01 am

    Let me speak directly here: everything but the act of writing and posting the lyrics is passive. The lyrics speak of waiting and wishing, and so does your follow-up. Now, it could be I’ve just been away too long and all I see is facebook and this, but life requires ACTION! What actions are you taking to accomplish and get those things you truly want?

    And all respect to Lisa, but action does not have to be ball-grabbingly drastic. Small steps are still steps.

    Send me an email maybe, I’m feeling some similar things myself recently.

    • 3. Anna  |  December 6, 2010 at 12:47 am

      Well, in my predicament, it’s waiting on natural timing of things. The simple act of looking for a job or a husband doesn’t mean I’ll get one, much as the act of writing songs and showing them to people and asking if they’d like to help me doesn’t get me an album. It’s waiting on outside sources that I don’t have any direct control over to come into line with where I’m aiming. I mean, you know me. I can be pretty lazy, yeah? But I’m trying to take my life by the horns more than ever, but just trying to make it happen doesn’t make it happen anymore than wishing for it does, if the circumstances don’t line up.


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