things to do before i die

August 10, 2010 at 1:10 am Leave a comment

Many people have a list, whether physically real or just a running tab in their head, of things they’d like to do before they die. Items on such lists range from the grand (ie. ‘Climb Mt. Everest’) to the sentimental (ie. ‘Tell the one who got away how I really feel’) to the downright absurd (ie. ‘Set the World Record for most Deviled Eggs eaten in 5 minutes’). My own list tends to be void of serious things, gravitating instead toward notions that make me giddy. Here are a couple entries for your amusement.

Make A Segue With a Segway
For those of you who don’t know anything about technology or… english, a ‘segue‘ is the act of moving seamlessly from one topic into another, usually with a transitional phrase. Consider it a conversational conjunction. A ‘Segway‘ is a standing motorized scooter that looks kind of like those old push lawnmowers. It can be seen being used with finesse by Kevin James in the film Paul Blart: Mall Cop. Most anyone who knows me knows I love a good pun, and there is this bubbling excitement that wells up within me at the thought of being someplace on a Segway, having a casual conversation with someone, then:

Unsuspecting Victim: …the second time I got crabs.
Me: Oh, speaking of which… *veers off on Segway*
Unsuspecting Victim: Did that just happen?
Unsuspecting Victim #2: I think that just happened.

Drive An Ice Cream Truck With Unorthodox Music
It’s a hot summer afternoon and the kids are outside playing in the streets. Suddenly, all action stops as the children take a collective gasp and gaze like meerkats toward the end of the block. Together, they raise their voices in a shout, “ICE CREAM MAN!!” and break into a run for their parents and, more importantly, their parents’ wallets. The chipper chimes of the truck’s jingle can only just be heard, but upon growing closer, the song can be identified as the “Theme from Halloween” or perhaps the “Theme from Requiem for a Dream” or even the opening bars to Bach’s “Toccata and Fugue in d minor” would suffice. I suppose any number of pop songs inappropriate for children would also do, such as “Pussytown,” “Another One Bites the Dust,” “She Bop,” “Mambo No. 5,” “Ur So Gay,” “Them Bones,” “Fer Sure,” or “Bad Touch.”

Am I wrong for thinking it would be absolutely awesome to want to mix dirty, depressing or scary songs with something as iconically innocent and happy as an Ice Cream truck jingle? Shut up. Don’t judge me.

Mess With Wal-Mart Employees
I used to work at Wal-Mart. It isn’t a horrible place to work, exactly, but it certainly wasn’t my cup of tea. However, lots of things go on in a place like Wal-Mart that most customers are oblivious to. Like when someone goes to get clothes and everything is on a hanger facing the right direction. Little do they know that earlier in the day, that same cute top was laying in a wad on the ground of the fitting room, because some other customer figured the fairies would wave their wands and everything would magically wind up back on the racks in great condition. Right.

One thing that happened constantly that would annoy all of us was people leaving random unwanted items all over the store. It’s one thing to put a box of Cheez-Its on the endcap because you didn’t want to walk your lazy ass back down the aisle, but it’s a completely different thing entirely when you leave a bra in Sporting Goods or that box of Vagisil you decided you didn’t need anymore in Toys. How hard is it to put it back where it belongs? At the very least, give it to the cashier so it can be taken back to the elves in Layaway who sort all the Go-Backs to be sent to their respective departments.

Annoying as it is, this ongoing phenomenon spawned an idea that took root deep inside of me and made me giddy to my very core. I decided that when I quit, I would get a cart and fill it to overflowing — half with shoes and half with butter — and leave it in Pets. Go ahead and take a moment to let that sink in. Imagine you’re an overworked Wal-Mart Associate, breaking your back performing the same routine day in and day out, resigned to this job because you honestly have no other prospects. You round the corner to begin your hourly ‘zone’ of your department and discover a shopping cart filled past the brim with shoes… and butter. Yeah. Head… asplode.

I regret having to admit that I did -not- do this when I quit, but I fully intend to do so at some point. It’s just one of those things that cannot go undone.


Entry filed under: funny, random.

spiders, lizards and mutant grasshoppers am i to assume all beggars are equestrians?

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